Fields, Farmers, Cows, Corn but for heavens-sakes not a cricket square…. please!! The men of the Plough, reunited for yet another Saturday of league cricket, arrived at Broadfields or Killing fields, defying the threat of rain from weather experts BBC Weather, Weather.Com and RealGoodWeather.Com.

We all arrived at 9am in the morning, in order that we could expedite the pre-match tasks assigned by Adolf Lonnen. Yeah…….right! I won’t mention the fact that they did not supply an Umpire.
 
Skippy-Kip-Ip, our overseas Korean international, promptly won the toss (Yes won) and put South Harrow in. No Umpire you know. Unfortunately at this point my memory goes a little hazy, which is the downside for commenting on a match that happened weeks ago. I won’t mention the fact that they did not supply an Umpire.

Ip and Sinbad opened the bowling against a batting attack that we knew went after the ball early on, from our previous encounter. Yasir, South Harrow’s answer to David Beckham, fell almost immediately. No Umpire. He tried to cut a wide delivery from Sinbad and back he went to the sidelines for a bit of Posh. Ip was bowling well at the other end and as usual, beating the batsman for little reward. Gillman bowled the big hitting Ashraf, who reenacted exactly how he lost his wicket to Sinbad in the previous game, silly, silly. Things looked shaky for the Harrow lads until Nabil, the number 3, steadied the innings. He went from strength to strength and went on to make a big hitting 91, though he was lucky to survive some early edges and catching opportunities. No Umpire. Messrs Perv and Smashing replaced Ip and Sinners and continued to pile on the pressure. Perv especially extracted some pace & bounce off the cow pat square, to remove Nabil’s stumps.  Smashers, with his seemingly congenital ability to swing the ball, was rewarded with the wicket of Imran. “Paging Steve Britto”, Ploughman’s own Rockefeller, was urgently needed to remove the dangerous Raja (turned up late), which he did by bowling him for 41.   South Harrow was dismissed for 186, a total that would have been substantially lower if catches had been held and our luck had been in etc, etc, etc. I won’t mention the fact that they did not have an Umpire!

A sumptuous tea was had, and the brothers Waugh strode onto the field. 10 Points no Umpire.  Nabil and Yasir opened for South Harrow. Nabil was by far the more effective and quicker of the two (short run up, but more than 2 paces) and removed the bails of a settled Perv for 9 runs. No Umpire. This is where the entire luck tonic, available for a short period at tea, had been drunk by South Harrow. Noodle-Pikins was run out for 12 and both Britto and Basic, who were starting to punish the attack, were bowled by absolute unplayable shooters on 13 and 20 respectively. Enter Dorian, who put on an impressive 30 and has proven himself an impressive batsman this year.  Alas, we suddenly find ourselves on 120-8, with Ip at the crease. It is also at this point that the chatter starts to become very, very audible. Although, I am no expert in Urdu, there was no discussion of the fact they had not provided an Umpire. Ip played a remarkable innings at this point in the game, to try and secure the draw for the boys. Sinbad yet again misunderstood the meaning of the word defensive and was bowled by Nabil. Enter Smashing-Smashers-Ashton. Now apart from a rabid, naked Mike Tyson running at you and naming you as his bitch for a week…………..what’s the last thing you want to see when coming in to bat to save the game?.   Answer the ball…….unfortunately Smashers was greeted by a fast & straight Yorker from Nabil that caught him low down on his pads in front of the stumps – out LBW. My sympathy goes out to Smashers, but the game was lost a lot earlier on than that. We came very close yet again to a victory, then a draw and then we lost our composure.

Luckily, I did not mention the Umpire incident which many of you are aware of, so well done me. We are still the greatest club in the world.

SG