The chat explodes into “we still have 7 front line bowlers” (9 at a push) as well as our number 10 batter averaging 44 with the bat last year.

Saturday:

Absolutely stunning is probably the best way to describe the weather when we show up at 11am to our 2nd, and in many cases 1st home at the DSG.

Picture this, 11am, 9 handsome Ploughmans boys are there, the skipper has got all the warm up gear out and we’re just chatting in a circle by the pavilion waiting for the juniors game at the Hollies to finish.

“WE ARE SO BACK!!”

Fortunately as McGurn goes over to welcome the oppo captain, we see the juniors match finish early and start heading over. Sean gets a text from Aman “I’ll be in the early crew to help set-up” Jain that he thought meet time was 12… - the big sheepish not so nasty fasty made it in time to applause from the boys and plenty of “don’t worry, we set up everything”.

Now we’re all used to hearing about Sean McGurn in these reports, he's pretty good at cricket and an alright bloke after all. Fortunately, this is more of the same, Sean or Smudge simply had an exemplary day - or actually an exemplary first league week as captain of the Ploughmans 1st XI.

Starting in the group chat on Tuesday, everything was in order, all instructions were provided (Aman) and the intent was very clear. He’d attempted throughout the week to contact the oppo to tell them we won’t be able to start until 12:30 due to the juniors match, including adding the man on instagram and taking screenshots.

He even goes and wins the toss and chooses to bat first - obviously. We do the classic “cheer whatever the result” and Angus, Puff, Aman and Tuna are genuinely the happiest people in a 5 mile radius. After a quick warm up to get the boys mentally engaged, Sean, Umar and Angus have some throws, Canelo sticks' em on too just in case and we’re out there. We’re back. This is league cricket. We have 5 months of this.

WE ARE SO BACK!

McGurn and Umar open, and Smudge as usual takes 1. On the 4th ball, Sean rocks back on a good length and creams the ball through the covers.

We are so back

The good batting continues from there, with both Smudge and I taking advantage of the wayward balls, me flicking the ball everywhere, Sean playing some beautiful drives to set up a 50+ platform in the first 10 overs. In about the 8th over Sean almost pulls up with his continued knee issues to first slip chirping “its from all the stretching and warm up earlier”.

Umar finally falls on 15 when he leans back too far driving a ball from almost under him. Gully takes the first of his 2 (almost 3) absolute screamers in the field - everyone agrees that if his lower jaw and throat had not been in the way, he would have dropped it or not gotten near it.

Unfortunately for Wallington that means Angus Osborne is in, and they probably should have been content with Umar and Sean. Within his first 5 balls Angus has popped his hip, and has to have some pain pills run on for him.

The next 2 hours can only be described as a batting clinic. With the change bowlers and Sean already set, runs start flowing, both of the boys are all levers, aesthetics and arthritic lower bodies. The boundaries come regularly, the boys on the side are getting sore throats from yelling “shoooooot” over and over. Duray is frenetically trying to keep up with the scoring under the watchful eyes of James Barron who lovingly keeps whispering “you’re doing great” into his ears - I feel a little uncomfortable sitting so close to the 2 of them.

Puff and I take a walk to the pavilion to get drinks, the sunshine is amazing, we have a lovely chat about medicated Umar, Puff’s recent trip home in-line with the Prasad wedding and some chat about Ro and exams. We get back to find we missed the skipper getting to his 50.

Drinks and the oppo are trudging off, Sean and Angus walk out proudly, both are well set and batting well together. After drinks Sean has a scare - the almost 3rd screamer - where the guy makes his ground, juggles the ball 3-4 times and eventually drops it. Settle down skip - Max Gumpert says “Sean forgot to reset at drinks”.

But as normal, he does settle and sets about converting the 50 to 100 in double time - he gets there before Angus has got to 30. The boys go NUTS, SUPER SEAN MCGURN IS BACK, Duray is leading the chorus, we’re singing the song and hollering - the oppo HATE it. One of their team tells Sean that we would do some VERY Plough after-dark things to/with him and he’s not wrong, we would.

Angus, now batting with style and grace gets a ball from one of the quicks that pops, for most mortals thats a hurried duck or wrapping on the splice/gloves and a chorus of ooooo’s and aaaaa’s from the oppo - Gus rocks back and pulls it for 6 in absolute disgust. The boys keep batting and Angus brings up his 3rd 50 for the club as well as his 1000+ career runs. We all sit on the sideline and agree that he is quite good at cricket.

At the end of one of the overs, one of the boys hits for a quick single, the fielder shies at the stumps, misses, and the boys run another overthrow, the next fielder picks up the ball, fire it into the stumps, misses completely and the ball goes for 4, we’re all cheering and whooping and laughing until “sorry boys but I already called over” says Umpire Tunnacliffe who didn’t want to wait for the ball to be dead apparently. “You’re starting on -6 Tunna” someone yells.

The lads have broken a 20+ year old, oldest club batting record for the 2nd wicket partnership, beating a 174 stand set by W. Skidelsky and S. Anoakar in 2004, and more recently by Max McCreery and Leon Parks last year.

Smudge eventually falls in the 35th over scoring 127, we greet the skipper with hugs and then start talking about rejigging the order as Canelo walks out to bat. I have to replace Champion Boss so he can pad up as Sean apologetically asks Barron to peel off the pads he's been wearing since the 10th over.

Out in the middle Angus is motoring but it isn't chanceless, and their elder statesman yells THAT’S 8 when Angus top edges one in between 3 fielder. The old boy is also bowling darts from the other end which Canelo struggles to put away. Angus on 91 finally falls when he creams a full blooded cover drive, the same bloke who caught Umar takes a low diving 1 handed catch to his left at short cover - he’s had his own day out and apparently hasn’t played cricket in years.

With contributions from Canelo, Nealon and Nicko the Plough finished on 312 from 45 overs (oh and Duray was there too).

WE ARE SO EFFING BACK

After some of Jackie’s best teas, and Canelo’s “chicken dipper on garlic bread” creation, we’re back on. Skipper pulls us all together and tells us how proud he is to be leading the side, how great we were in the first innings and tells us the job is not done.

We get out there and I find myself in a cover cordon with Tunnacliffe AND Barron and think nothing is going past cover today. The skipper immediately takes Tuna out of cover and swaps with Canelo to “save Leo’s fingers” for bowling.

Ashish Paul is opening the bowling from the CRS end - talk about absolutely no respite for any oppos. Puff starts brilliantly, and on the 3rd ball finds the outside edge which is dropped by Tuna at 2nd slip. Suddenly, he’s back in the covers in one of the shortest cordon stints in history.

Puff balls beautifully from one end and Angus deciding the batsman should stop walking around and stands up to the stumps - keeping as beautifully as he batted (though too much “one-hand” stuff) is muttered by first slip and gully, as they mope about having to carry his cap/helmet around all day.

From the other end is a sight we’ve been waiting for, 18 months in the making, LEO CONNOLLY is back bowling seam in the 1s, as the prophecy foretold 3 years ago, he’s back from injury and looks fitter than ever. To everyone's dismay, he is bowling in his short sleeved jumper, Umar says it's giving old timey England great Angus Fraser, but with less scowl, everyone else says it's giving village and should be banned immediately.

Puff strikes in his second over, getting the bat to chop on. Then again in his 4th over. Leo is finding rhythm from the other end (despite the jumper). As time goes on, and the grumbling from everyone gets to him, the jumper finally comes off and he bowls even quicker and better, finally taking his first wicket in the league in 18 months - the boys are jubilant and we give him every bit of praise and credit due.

Puff is dismantling the batters (on both ends) giving both the captain and Canelo advice on how to bowl to the batters, what field to set etc. It’s hard to tell how good swing bowling is from my spot at point, but from the grunts and gasps from behind the stumps, and the occasional appreciative nod from the batters, we can tell both Puff and Canelo are bowling well. I can absolutely see that Canelo is bowling quicker and quicker every over, with more and more control - apparently it takes him 6 over and taking the jumper off to warm up.

Time for some darts as Tunnacliffe replaces Puff, its erratic to start, the boy has been running instead of bowling but it starts coming back once he stops the darts and starts flighting the ball, with Angus occasionally signaling quicker balls. Aman Jain comes on from the other end and well, he does what he does, finishing the match with 5 over 3 for 14 - something about forgetting your injuries when you bowl well and get wickets. Tunna takes 2 wickets from his 6 overs.

Nicko comes on to bowl as well as the ever reliable James Barron. Nicko to his credit bowls too well, from mid-wicket I can see these batters are not good enough to nick off (pun intended) and the number of times I hear Angus gasp “how did that miss?” and groans from the Skipper I can tell it's all “Chanel”™. Speaking of, Barron is bowling like he has not had the winter off. Finishing with 2 for 15 from his 4.1 overs.

Side note - outside of the bowling and batting, our fielding was phenomenal throughout and just far superior to our opponents, from backing up every ball to stopping - most balls in the field, the Plough hunted as a pack, backed up our bowlers and operated as a unit. Angus letting through a single bye only.

With the game won, and news filtering in of the 2s win. We head to the changing room - no beers with the oppo, most of them didn’t even say goodbye but Tunna does get a jug for some Showerbeers™ and we gleefully sing about meeting our loves at the DSG while sharing some ginger soap and maybe a bar of soap that James Barron brought.

Some of the 2s filter in and get showered as we’re dressing. More join later. We follow the sun across the DSG and when it gets too cold, we walk towards the sunshine with our jugs and glasses, desperately clinging on to the warmth as Nicko implies that we lack strength and fortitude and “it’s not even cold”.

Eventually we give up and go inside. As we sit there (there are very few people from other clubs remaining), another 2 jugs receive raucous applause topped only by Jackie bringing over several platters of leftover sandwiches. As fights break out over them, Tuna tells me how important it is to get the pickle sandwich. I personally have to snatch a cheese and pickle sandwich before Oscar can get at it.

That was the end of my night as I had other engagements, I’m certain more jugs and more fun was had by all. I certainly didn’t want to leave such a wholesome, joyful environment.

Shoutout to the ultras for coming to watch - Nicko’s mum, CRS & Poppy, Sandeep and his son Advay (Adi for short and one to watch and add to the Plough XI in 15 yrs), Max Gumpert and the debonair Fred Gumpert who looked as though he’d been on a photoshoot with Vogue before coming. Lady Barron Lia also joined at the end of the day.

Driving out of the DSG I remember thinking “WE ARE SO BACK!”

Plough On!

Match report from Umar Iqbal