There’s mid-week chat about how best to balance our warm-ups without totally cooking ourselves before kick-off.

Bush’s popular new (and surprisingly controversial) Friday Plough Quiz, in which Carson bewilderingly argued that not-outs didn’t count as innings, has everyone in the mood for all things Ploughmans cricket.

I start my new cycle commute – my first from Brixton, having moved even closer to the DSG!

The boys are all here nice and early, ready to go and determined to be more up for it in the heat than the oppo lads! Only one problem: the juniors’ game is still underway on the Hollies. At 11:15, Dooz is dismayed to find that there’s still 15 overs to be bowled – which will no doubt interfere with our scheduled 12:00 start.

After some refreshments in the clubhouse, we wander over to catch the end of the game. The shortest lad is bowling to the tallest lad and the difference is stark. The tall kid eventually holes out to a stellar catch at mid-on – a towering high ball with hang-time deluxe. The sort that’s probably dropped roughly half the time at our level. And he’s taken it in front of the swelling crowd and all. The young lad’s done brilliantly.

As soon as their game wraps up, we are quickly done with ground set up, Sean has tossed, and Roehampton have elected to bat.

Qammar is thankfully back from a small injury scare last week, which he’s shaken off to open the bowling with CRS.

The Roehampton openers appear to be struggling early on, despite the occasional flourish from their tall bloke, including one good one deposited into the trees. Fair to say their other opener looked about as comfortable against the new ball as somebody being fingered by Edward Scissorhands. Frustrated, he tries a wild slog but just ends up sending a CRS length ball straight to Tunnas at mid-on.

Their number 3 then survives a very, very strong appeal first ball, which has said bowler scratching his head and trying to suppress his rage, just one week after a frustrating outing in which the oppo explicitly stated that they won’t give lbws.

Though a couple overs later there came an even better shout. A yorker hits their tall opener on the back foot, playing right back in his crease on middle stump. The appeal is rapturous. CRS almost runs out of breath. Their supplied umpire appears to remain unmoved, as the batsmen scamper through for a signal… before then, sheepishly looking down at the pitch, half turning away, and raising his index finger by the side of his trouser pocket, without even lifting his. He’s FINALLY given him!

2 down, and the opening bowlers make way for Aman & Puff. The change pays immediate dividends, as Aman bowls out their number 3, giving Connelly the perfect opening to unveil his new “Shania” Jain anthem: “Aman, I feel like a wicket!” Do do do do do, do do!

Puff then strikes twice in his first over! The visitors now in deep trouble at 36-5.

Controversy would then erupt a few overs later as Puff’s notorious and often debated slower-ball would draw a healthy edge, swallowed by McGurn at first slip. The batsman stands his ground. Celebrations morph into an appeal. We think he’s been given. The batter says he’s not walking.

The umpire hasn't had an impressive day. Bizarrely, the only time his voice is actually audible is when he regularly calls "Over" while the ball is still halfway back to the stumps and very much in play.

But by now, the game has descended into a total farce. No one can get a straight answer from the umpire. Or even a peep. He looks like an absolute deer in headlights.

The batter claims he’d hit the ground with his bat – which, to be fair, is correct. But he has also got a massive piece of willow on that ball, evidenced by the ball’s complete redirection to first slip and its ballooning nature on a delivery that otherwise wouldn’t have even carried to slip.

The ump is asked to explain how the ball ends that wide at slip without an edge, yet he remains quiet and avoidant. The Roehampton skipper comes in from square leg and pleads with him to just make a decision either way. It feels as if a solid 3 minutes have passed at this point. Eventually, the bat is deemed not out, much to our dismay, but we just have to eat it.

Though justice is swiftly served, as Puff clean bowls him a mere two balls later. There’s absolutely no arguing with that one! You can only imagine the howls this brought to the field.

There was then a handy little 33-run partnership for the 7th wicket, before Dom Scott’s wily left-arm tweakers break through. Dom ends up taking 3/11, which I swear are his figures every week.

We have to work a bit for the last wicket, before Duray knicks him off. A third catch for McGurn at slip (unofficially 4). An innings with no dropped catches for the Plough. Roehampton bowled out in the 33rd over, for 112.

At tea, the much spoken about new mystery DSG sandwich is identified by group consensus as chicken & jalapeño in pink sauce. Pink sauce remains a mystery.

Feeling refreshed, the boys head back over, well aware that no chase is ever a given on the Hollies, so game heads are firmly on.

McGurn heads out with James Barron, who continues his new role of opening batter – proving he can perform whatever role is asked of him on a cricket field.

McGurn is looking class, just picking a couple of balls off his pads and politely redirecting them towards fine leg, with Plough taking 10 runs off the first over.

Barron hit an absolutely beautiful cut shot for 4, before falling lbw just two balls later. The umpire didn’t hesitate second before confidently raising his finger on this occasion.

A couple of overs later Sean misses out on a another ball on his pads. The ball ends at square leg, as the batters call through and begin to take off for the single, a small appeal has erupted, and again, the umpires given him with zero delay or hesitation.

The contrast in the manner of decision-making is striking. Having deliberated extensively on every decision last innings, suddenly, the umpire is raising his finger faster than the Sainsbury’s cashier hits the “Visibly Over 25” button whenever I’m buying self-checkout beer these days.

Canello is in at 4, which of course means sight-screen duty - left handers!! Even though the screen at the close end is about 40% obscured by the hanging tree.

After a couple of wickets, Roehampton are up and about. By now there’s decent cloud cover and it feels a good 5° cooler than the start of match. The pitch is slow and they are generally bowling good balls that are hard to get away.

Leo elegantly steers a ball around behind leg to get his boundary account underway. But shortly after he has managed to get some faint glove to the keeper, on a ball which has risen sharply from a length.

Tunnacliffe faces up to the next ball, only to somehow miss a straight full toss… and even more miraculously, somehow survive the huge lbw appeal! No one know what this umpire will do!

George's resistance wasn't to last much longer, as with others, sending a graceful late-cut to the boundary, before then losing his wicket caught behind too.

Angus has been at the other end for nearly 50 balls by now, showing his usual mix of high elbow defensive stuff, while waiting to pounce on anything over-pitched or short – generally not over-hitting them, just steering them into the gaps.

Gus is certainly feeling the heat though – having confessed to me at tea that the sightscreen was “wobbling” at different stages of his wicketkeeping shift earlier. But this discomfort appears to have only strengthen his resolve to play anchor and see us home.

But unfortunately in the end, it would be the short-ball that undid him, as he top edges one straight in the air to be out for a very well fought 24 (48). The Plough now looking in trouble – at 59/5, that 113 target looks a fair bit of work away.

While we still felt marginally ahead of the game, there remained the nagging sense it could all still unravel.

Duray is now out there, and facing trial by spin. He gets struck on the pad and the fielding team all go berserk! Dooz stands still and just looks at his front foot and says, “have a look at where it is”. The appeal dissipates in sheepish looks instantly. Though, after threatening to build a nice little partnership with Dom, he wouldn’t be so lucky the second time around and adjudged lbw for 12.

Dom at the other end looking almost comfortable. He even pulls out a lovely 1920s MCC Coaching Manual style pull shot for 4, complete with rolling wrists and all!

He’s joined at 78/6 by Aman Jain, who loves a run chase under pressure.

Runs are still looking tough and the game very much in the balance. The boys slowly tick over the score, looking to do it by paper cuts rather than blasting.

All this would change through what could only be described as some strange captaincy. The quick bowler with his tail up is replaced by a new man into the attack, who is dishing up some serious dross. 9 off his first over, including a walloping Dom Scott 6, would still buy him a second over which would go for 11. And just like that, a lot of tension had been lifted from this run chase.

There would be a final twist, as Dom was adjudged, you guess it!, lbw, to a ball that might have clipped a 4th leg stump.

But with Qammar now out there with him, Aman kept his cool to (again!) hit the winning runs. Ploughmans complete the chase 7 wickets down, with just under 17 overs to spare. A chase where we never really felt like the side behind, but one where we never felt comfortable either.

Big shout out to the Plough supporters, who, as always, were absolutely grand a gave the boys a lift! Especially to Rich Buckley oscillating between the Griffin and the DSG, old school around-the-grounds radio broadcaster style.

Some of the Roehampton boys are hanging for a beer, eagerly awaiting Tom Merilaht’s appearance from the Griffin. However, as the 2s wander over, he’s nowhere to be seen.

The 2s are, however, not only celebrating a thumping win, but also Giordy’s 100th wicket (well bowled lad!), which brings a cheer and a rendition of his magnificent song!

Michael Ainslie was also celebrating a thanks for coming for the 2s, leading straight to the creation of the TFC version of his song! (Doesn’t bat, or keep, or bowl… Doing nothing, all day long!)

Dooz takes Narvin for a walk behind the Hollies bushes, prompting chants of Narvin’s up the duff upon their return.

The after-dark verse of Super Tom Lonn-on was premiered to much of the club, to rapturous laughter. Duray almost crashes backwards off the bench from this.

After a sweltering week, the jugs were absolutely flowing and the vibes magnificent!

But alas, the competitive tension was not done for the day, as the slightly lower stakes England vs Paraguay game kicks off in the late evening. No England flag painted on Lucky just yet though!

By half time the pavilion is full of steadfast England fans, while every last foreigner has found themselves outside enjoying the evening air.

I think England won. Everyone in a good mood, and before long, the late night Plough began marching on towards Herne Hill, as this author retreated home.

2 x 20 points and many a song! Exactly the sort of day & evening that reminds you why you’d rather be a Ploughman than anything else.

Match report from Chris Roden-Smith