The words “it’s too hot for cricket” were uttered while the Plough XI were preparing themselves, to a round of laughter. Little did we know how true those words would turn out to be. This match was also special as it heralded the return of club legend Tom Lonnen to broken Britain. As Tom made clear in a recent Tweet/X/post/? The Elizabeth line was shockingly late this day. Don’t worry though, the Plough is always on time. As much could not be said about our opposition today, supposedly informed by our faultless fixture secretary of a 1pm start. I’d like to see the receipts, please.

Before the delayed start, newly married/honeymooned skipper Bush (massive congratulations again!) unfortunately lost the toss and we were put in to bowl on the Hollies. The match finally getting underway, our skipper opened with the returning Tom Lonnen. The latter regaling us of a story about a lifestyle-based injury suffered in Mexico. Well it certainly didn’t show as both openers bowled magnificently in their first spells.
No wickets to fall however, until first change bowling super daddy duo Mo Khan and C Vibes the Viking (insert various other nicknames devised in Hector’s mind) entered the fray. Mo Khan started off brightly with his lovely leggy lengths, rewarded immediately with a wicket in his first over caught magnificently by the tree-like Viking standing at the 45. Tree-like in size but also in foot movement, luckily his impressive height ensured he was able to reach out for an equally impressive grab. The vibes Viking started loosely, but then was also rewarded with a wicket in his 2nd over. An absolutely terrible wide full toss was dispatched by the batsman, unfortunately for him it was straight towards a pair of the safest hands at the plough in the form of AJ Prasad whose bucket hands inhaled the rapidly moving ball heading towards him. Things were looking good for the Plough.

However in the remaining overs up to drinks, one ploughman’s warning about the heat was starting to be truly felt by the fielding team. It was akin to a long gruelling march through a harsh desert. Legs started to wilt, the flat dry outfield started to feel like thick mud. Voices quietened in the field (except a certain Mr. Kerr). Lines and lengths were missed by the bowlers who surely were seeing mirages instead of stumps. Drinks couldn’t come soon enough, along with a rallying cry from the skipper. This was what the Plough needed to kick on. Although the heat was incessant, and so were Merton’s set batsmen. Seemingly unaffected by the scorching sun, they scurried countless 1s and 2s. The bowlers’ varying lines and lengths were deservedly smashed all around.

Not even Nigel’s typical “putting-it-in-the-right-area” bowling, or wingspan Wayne Kerr’s loopy tempters could stem the flow of runs or produce wickets. Something needed to be done. Re-enter our opening pair, who after a few overs removed one of the set batsmen. A reprieve. On came Stephen Britto, whose bowling inspired Kerr’s maiden run out (jugs?). The Plough continued to slog through the overs, and thorough the pounding temperatures.

Merton brought on a left-handed bat, which meant more unwanted movement for the fielding team due to the batsmen’s unrelenting single hitting. Vibes today made a claim to be the worlds most unfit Viking, evidently too busy feasting and procreating instead of raiding and pillaging, was putting on a display of what could only be described as the worlds saddest bleep test. Not beating Kohli’s record anytime soon that’s for sure. Eventually Bush and Lonnen combined again to clean up Merton’s tail, (bowling’s quite fun when it’s to the tail I suppose). and the Plough were set a daunting 264 to win. Excellent teas Jackie, as always.

Straight back out to the Hollies, and the Plough set about their batting with a cunning plan in terms of their line up. On paper, it seemed to be exactly what was needed to bamboozle the opposition. Josh Kerr stepped out with AJ Prasad to open. Amazingly the pitch seemed to have been replaced with one that did everything it needed to be doing the innings prior. Balls suddenly started jagging left and right, they also randomly jumped up and kept low. This transformed pitch transpired to assist Merton to four wickets in their third over. Unlucky to AJ, Ean, Britto and Crane. Shock and/or horror spread across the faces of the Plough.

Tom Lonnen came in and continued to push through his supposed injury by batting well, and sticking around. Later though Josh Kerr fell eventually with an excellent loves-to-bat innings, well played sir. Genuine all-rounder, 50-maker and 3for-taker Max Wright fell soon to yet another one that kept low. The Hollies is certainly a cruel mistress. Skipper Bush and Lonnen tried to inspire something together, playing some nice shots, but again more low skiddy deliveries got both out eventually (“good bowling” apparently). Vibes the Viking and Uncle Nige didn’t hang around much longer either, leaving Mo Khan wondering what could have been. The Plough were all out for 54, probably deservedly so, but also definitely not. This match did include a lesson for (bad) Vibes, which I will share with you readers: Stay in your crease when leaving one to a spinner. Sorry Josh that you had to give me out, I’ve never seen a man with his finger up so sad. At the end, we shook hands, we laughed and learned. This is what it means to be a part of our great club, and this is why we can’t wait to do it all again next weekend. Plough on!

Match report produced by Carl Viberg