Having won the toss and elected to bat, Grayzer was already presented with a problem: namely that one of his openers, Jo Hockings, was nowhere to be seen having spent a long evening with some other Ploughmen enjoying some light refreshments until the early hours.

Thankfully, up stepped the iconic and ubiquitously adored AJ Prassad — a man not used to the opening role but also someone who would deliver a baby, if you asked, because he just seems like that kind of guy.

With Nieboer at the other end nudging ones and twos, Prassad took the attack to a pair of decent opening bowlers who made the ball swing and bowled a good length - for the most part - on a slow pitch. Having scored just one run in his first 17 balls, AJ then smoked five sumptuous fours, most of them visceral cover drives, to take his team to 105-0 just after drinks.

Watching from the other end, what impressed most, however — even more than the cleanliness with which he hits a cricket ball — was the way AJ relentlessly pushed singles where there may have been dots and twos where others may have just settled for one. His intensity and decisiveness between the wickets swung momentum in favour of the batters, creating the ideal platform, and it was something of a shock, and deeply saddening, to see him hole out for 44 — a nervous shot from a man on the cusp of his first 50.

In his place came Hussein Selmi, who scored a quick and elegant 18 before being bowled by a corker, which brought Hockings to the crease. As a batter does when another comes in, Nieboer walked up to him, mumbling various things about waiting for the ball extra hard on account of the slow deck and keeping your shape, but the words didn’t enter. Hockings looked straight through me. Mentally he wasn’t there. In fact he yawned — twice — on his way to the crease, where he didn’t even bother to take guard — a move I personally endorse rather strongly.

Yet despite his unfortunate mental and physical condition, Hockings smoked bowlers all over the pitch. His first shot, after being told by Nieboer to stay low and keep shape, was a hilarious hoick nowhere near the ball, the whole top half of his body jerking up in one huge thrust, which evinced a strange mixture of admiration and disdain from his batting partner. Such a demonstrably incredible cricketer, in all facets, but cursed with the mind of a 15-year-old and the face of a Greek statue.

Nieboer departed for 61 (85), a nothing shot to square leg, ushering in the talented Chris McCallister and a blood-curdling final 10 overs during which the pair plundered 90 runs in truly disrespectful fashion. They scored five sixes and countless fours between them, losing about four balls in the process and significantly draining Matt Spencer’s carefully-accumulated supply of cherries. The Plough finished on 234-3, McCallister (46*) and Hockings (34*) putting the game significantly in the away side’s favour.

Proceedings swung even further in the direction of the Plough just two balls into the second innings, with Giordy Diangenda scalping their gun bat, Nieboer taking the catch at slip. A couple overs later, he forced a genuine edge, Jimmy Anderson-like, caught by the relentlessly vocal Selmi, sparking wild celebrations from the enthusiastic young man we have grown to love. Giordy bowled with guile and control and zip, nipping the ball away from the right-hander down the slope, and could have claimed five on another day. He was Scott Boland, just a lot louder. By the time his spell was over, the oppo were 20-4, firmly in the trenches.

Let’s put some respect on Giordy’s name here. As a club that prides itself on helping players improve, Diangenda is a heart-warming success story. It’s been a pleasure, from a personal perspective, watching the transition: in 2021 he was a Streatham and Marlborough second-changer who bowled loopy shite; now he opens with the club captain, takes 2-5 off six overs, and finds himself knocking on the door of the twos.

Another example of staggering progression: Ean Smith. Having not got a chance to bat, Grayzer gave him four overs on the trot, going for a respectable 16 runs and coming inches away from his first Plough wicket when a catch evaded McCallister at cover. A far cry from someone who couldn’t get it down the other end a mere two months ago.

Northwood Town enjoyed a brief resurgence, their No.7 scoring a swashbuckling 50, and for a moment the home side looked to be in the game. Grayzer, of course, was having none of it. The man brought himself back on and took two wickets in an over, including bowling the danger man with sheer fucking line length chest and vibes. McCallister, Niraj, and Spencer all chipped in as well.

Prassad took his 50th wicket for the club to win the game, Northwood Town finishing on 154 all out — a wonderful milestone for a top bowler and even nicer guy. It’s sad I came to this club after his injury, and never got to see his vicious snorters find the edge of my bat, time and time again. Thankfully Oli Lonsdale will be back soon, I hear.

To make things even better, the bar opened, allowing for the proliferation of jugs and awful chat in a pretty clubhouse with a balcony view.

One piece of chat that stood out to me — even more than Jo Hockings outlining in great detail his masturbation routine, which could be described as brutal and wholly unnecessary — was Grayzer insisting that Muttiah Muralitharan, taker of 800 test wickets, chucked it, for one thing, and essentially bowled doorknobs. I daren’t weigh in here, as this is a topic far beyond my ken, but I would like to see him debated on the matter. I’m sure he’ll happily come to your house, and wait for you outside. Even you, James Tisato. Don’t think 10,000 miles makes you safe.

To wrap up: a lovely day, a big win, and a game where everyone chipped in one way or another. We go again next week to plunder more runs, take more wickets, and produce further questionable takes on cricket and maybe just life in general.

Match report produced by Leo Nieboer