Smash. The sunlight attacks my eyes, my head pounds, aperol spritz, pre-mixed tinnies, three jugs of pimms and a Southbank sized rum and Coke nightcap. Sorry, skip.

Smash. The back window of my car has been smashed in and instead of being 30 mins early for the meet time I’m now 15 minutes late of the start. Sorry, skip.

Smash. I walk into DSG and see the skipper go for six. No fielders in the sky. And my ten-man team has taken a bit of pain in the first few overs. Sorry, skip.

I can only assume we lost the toss and the oppo, Spartans CC, chose to bat on a bouncy astroturf.

But we’re into it now. Josh Kerr’s here somewhere on the other side of the field. I can hear him, and we’re dialled in. Bush from the shrubbery end, Walton from the other. Their captain and opening batsmen already cleaned bowled on 7.

Moments later a chance goes up, quite high, and falls into and out of waiting hands. This happens a total of seven times. And you won’t see me mentioning it again in this report.

The skipper sorts it out though — a gunshot arm to the danger end. YJBaveas whips the metaphorical bails off (they weren’t put out) and we’ve got a run out. Spartans 2 down.

A change of attack: it’s Azharul Haque.

There is nothing that thrills me more than a batter’s face after Azha’s first ball. What on earth just happened? The ball goes through the bat and legs and nestles in Yanni’s gloves. This happens five more times and Azha chalks up a maiden for a loosener.

Spencer at the other end. Definitely told myself I’d do proper warm ups this year (my aching back reminds me while writing this on a cramped train). Bush, Azha and Spencer meet for a brief comment on how to get this guy out. We move a catcher into the danger area and decide the odd bit of short stuff is allowed.

Azha follows with a wicket maiden. Spencer smashes a pad and an appeal is rewarded. Spartans 4 down. Two maidens from Spencer. Another one from Azha. It’s drinks and they’re on 75-4. Skipper Bolshaw has allowed himself a smile. “We’ve done very well in those 20 overs. If we win the next 20, this game’s ours.”

Goals clearly defined, Giordy waits at the top of his mark. The stage is set. He finds good rhythm in his third over, but unfortunately someone has reminded the bat to move his feet and deals a few blows to the boundary.

Kerr now — flighting it up and up and up. When it lands the bat’s nowhere near it. Clearly struggling with how to play him. The oppo teammates on the boundary laughing on as the bat swipes this way and that, all secretly glad they’re not on strike. One of these balls has your name on it. Unfortunately not today though.

The pair go wicketless despite chances.

Bolsh and Walton return for their second spells and at this point the batters have decided that quick singles are hard work and it’s much easier to hit the ball very hard. A six in each of their opening overs of the spell but otherwise tight bowling.

Then a glimmer. Walton traps the set bat on his very last ball. He appeals. He waits. He appeals again. He waits longer.

This man has waited a long cold winter for this wicket and he wants what he has earned. But the umpire stands resolute. Not out.

Next over the batter who was pinned on his pads spontaneously retires. 72 was enough? Or good sportsmanship?

They are a fair but competitive bunch these Spartans.

It’s Haque and Spencer’s turn for a second spell now and I’ll tell you what, I wasn’t going to wait around for an umpire to have a think about anything. My first ball full and straight clatters the spring-loaded shafts and we see off another bat. They’re up near the 200 mark now, but we’ve got fire left in the field.

Another chat between bowlers comes to the same decision — mix your length up and let them have it. A few bruised ribs and shaken lids later and a top edge whirls its way to Greg’s vicinity. Where it ends up is miles away from Greg but he somehow still holds on. Our first catch of the day, regrettably.

Bolsh finishes the innings with his third spell, this time from the non-shrubbery end. And it’s tea.

They’ve probably got too much at 230. But a half-truth of “both our teams scored 280 on this yesterday” rings out from the Plough camp as Britto and Baveas pad up.

And start brilliantly. Proper scoring shots. Proper blocking shots.

8 opposition fielders, two spectators and Ean Smith spend five minutes searching for the ball in the far bushes by the train tracks. Britto thwacked it over that with no effort at all. Another fielder goes to joins and sees the ball nestled in the grass just over the boundary line. Play resumes.

The sun has dipped now and ten overs go by before Spartans get a chance. But they take it, a diving (and rolling around after) catch sees Britto back to the pavilion on 29. Didn’t he look good though?!

Willis next, while Baveas continues to guide us. Top order bats make it all look so easy. But Greg goes for 14 — a momentary blip puts it up in the air and they take the catch. Two from two for them.

The next three wickets are ugly ducklings ironically starting with a debutant called Payne. They’ll be swans soon, after a few more throw downs and shadow bats on the boundary.

So it’s back to how we started out in the middle, Baveas, Britto and Spencer - but this time I’ve got gloves on and Britto is counting to six with my change jangling in his pocket. Dot ball. Dot ball. Four.

They’ve got quite a consistent spinner on. He eventually takes 7 and includes both Baveas (LBW - 17 off 69) and Spencer (Caught - 8 off 12).

Josh Kerr adds one to the total after that. But we finish on 80 all out.

Bolshaw gathers the fallen troops - “not a lot needs to be said about that one lads”.

Then asks for a volunteer to write a match report.

I hope you enjoyed it at home, I’m just happy we’re back.

Match report by Matt Spencer