Skipper Rahul’s pre-match message was clear: have fun and let’s get the W. Google promised us a lush green ground. What we got looked more like a dusty maidan in peak summer – dry, cracked, and crying out for a monsoon. We instantly knew: fielding would not be fun.

Spelthorne’s skipper – captain, coach, wicketkeeper, and part-time mini-golf champion – invited us to bat. Cossie and Ean opened against a young attack, including one lad doing his best Bumrah impression.

Runs were hard to come by. In fact, our most reliable scorer early doors was “Byes,” courtesy of their keeper/captain/mini-golfer whose gloves appeared to be for decoration only. Meanwhile in the pavilion, Aislynn was fuelling the team with Babybels, Graze snacks and enough energy drinks to light up Surrey. 1 minute after declaring herself “stuffed,” she wanted coffee. We remain baffled.

The openers grafted in the heat, plodding along past the first drinks break – served in colour-coded jugs (orange = orange squash, purple = blackcurrant, blue = water). They even had a tray for used cups. Five-star hydration service, but not the never seen before event. Keep reading.

Finally, after 20 overs we lost our first wicket, bringing Hisham to the middle with strict instructions: accelerate. And accelerate he did. Together with Cossie, he put on a superb 89-run stand. Cossie reached a career-best 79 before falling, and suddenly there was hope of pushing towards 210. Trouble was that overs were running out fast.

Hisham kept swinging, Aislynn chipped in with stylish strokes, Ajay played a brisk cameo, but by the last over we were still shy of the target. Then came the final ball. Oscar on strike, Lewis at the other end.

Most batters would aim for a four. Oscar had other plans. He swung, connected – not with the boundary, but with Lewis’s pad mid-run. The ball ricocheted perfectly towards the longest boundary while both scampered like Olympians. Chaos followed. Fielders chased, the keeper forgot his stumps, and somehow, we ran FIVE off the last ball. The Deflection via Teammate™ was born. Genius. Madness. Never seen before.

We ended on 195, about 15 short, but still a score worth defending.

Lewis and Oscar opened with the ball and beat the bat repeatedly without reward. The young umpires had their measuring sticks out, punishing wides and no-balls with clinical precision, forcing Rahul to negotiate with their skipper (who briefly put his mini-golf visor aside and acted statesmanlike).

At drinks – again in those delightful colour-coded jugs – Niraj made the breakthrough. Spelthorne’s batters countered, though, and by the second drinks break they needed only 40 from 11 overs. Rahul even suggested skipping the squash, but honestly, who in their right mind skips purple juice?

So, we drank, we regrouped and came out snarling. Rahul struck twice (one thanks to a sharp catch from Aislynn in the covers), Lewis picked up a couple, and Ajay and Justin applied the squeeze. Fielders hurled themselves around the dusty outfield, turning whites into shades of brown. Alex kept the chat high behind the stumps. Suddenly Spelthorne were wobbling, and we’d made it a nail-biter.

It went down to the final over, but they edged past us. No cigar – but plenty of Guinness after, and plenty of pride in the fight.

Because whatever the result, the Ploughs know how to play cricket, how to laugh about it, and – thanks to Oscar and Lewis – how to invent entirely new shots. Truly, a never seen before event.

? Post-Match Awards

• Mr Cricket Strategy Award → Oscar, for inventing the Deflection via Teammate™. Expect Sky Sports analysis soon.
• Byes’ Best Mate Award → The Spelthorne keeper/mini-golf champ, for generously gifting us runs and comic relief.
• Endurance Award → Cossie, for a marathon 79 in desert conditions. Pure grit.
• Caffeine Curiosity Award → Aislynn, for proving it’s possible to be “too full” and “still hungry” within 60 seconds.

Match report from Rahul Nair