The skipper, our dear Club Captain Liam Gray had a mare ahead of this, his phone was stollen and in a battle with insurance, he refused to add WhatsApp to his replacement Google Pixel, preferring to wait for a new iPhone.

Leon kindly stepped in with organisation when Grayzer (still logged into WhatApp on his desktop) was away from his computer.

Leon tells us we’re on the nursery and the batters in the team start salivating. On Saturday our good friend AGW pulls something or the other and the ever-wonderful Josh Kerr steps in last minute.

Couple other things happened on Saturday and Saturday evening, so having got home and had a run in with a bad McDonalds burger at 4am, I wake up at 8am and realise I need to head to the DSG.

It’s the big half, the start of a TfL strike and there is literally no transport. I’m in an absolute state and now walking past the thousands of sweaty, pained faces looking at me in envy strolling along. I’m looking at them in envy cause their head likely doesn’t hurt, and they probably don’t feel like someone has blended their organs.

I arrive at the DSG to find we are not on the Nursery, Grayzer being the nice bloke he is has given Max the Nursery pitch AND the Plough branded stumps.

We’re fielding first in a 35 over match and as I look around the huddle, my own haggard expression is reflected in a few faces, Grayzer somehow looks WELL up for it, Grant is frothing for it, I want the ground to swallow me up.

Bisi and Lewys open the bowling and in the blink of an eye 14 overs have passed. It was tidy, accurate, stump to stump stuff. Between us we all marvel at Bisi’s ability to rock up and just bowl annoyingly accurate at the stumps. I marvel that Lewys has done all of that without throwing up.

Both openers bowl 7 each going for 21 and 26 respectively, to the batters credit, they did not really play any false shots. George Stunnacliffe, coming off a “stinker” (personally) game for the 2s is an immediate game changer, picking up wickets in his 1st and 4th over (7 overs, 2-25).

Mo Khan in his 50th match for the Plough (Congrats Mo) bowls a loose over and their batters take advantage. But that was it, the rest of his overs were loopy, ragging and on point. Mo took a wicket on the last ball of his 6th and final over. Great way to sign off your 50th match!

Grayzer has brought himself on for Tuna and bowls 7 through… I genuinely have no idea how he does that after Saturday night. Both Bisi and Lewys walk in from 3 steps, Liam ran his full run up.

Josh Kerr is bought in for an over, the boy is nervous, his job has kept him from playing a lot this year, he’s a little out of rhythm, but bowls well in the end

Liam bowls on that the batter promptly puts straight through Lewys’ hand at mid-on, it was a dolly, he is embarrassed. The next over from Liam the batsman plays the exact same shot, and Lewys catches one where he is mid-jump. Two overs later, the same thing happens, and Lewys takes another tough catch.

In Liam’s last over, I’m stood at short cover thinking “wow, I’ve not had a single ball come my way today, that’s a nice change”. The batter immediately absolutely leathers one at me and I take a low catch. Writing this report on Weds and I still have a distinct bruise on my right palm.
The skipper finishes with 3 wickets from his 7 overs. The oppo score 193 for 6.

Tea is a pleasant experience spent watch the Plough on the nursery where Benny Cobbett and Callum Daley are opening the batting post-tea. Cosi apparently had a bathroom issue and Benny was a last-minute call up to open.

S.Britto and G. Student. Wolledge to open for the Plough. Hoping for a nice long partnership, I sit back and pad up slowly eating more than my fair share of cakes from Jackie’s feast.

Britto holes out with the Plough on 26, so I walk into bat with Grant. I love batting with Grant; he is quality and calm and levers for days. Student is looking all of that quality, calm and levers today, he’s carried his brilliant fielding performance through to the batting.

Grant and I bat for a while and steady the ship, cashing in when needed, blocking out the good balls. A point of highlight, one of their bowlers was a VERY young man, a good bowler, all 4 foot of him, as he ran in to bowl, I stomped my foot as though I was going to come down the wicket, he bowled a back of a length delivery that popped and hit the splice of my bat.

As he follows through his action, he takes about 5 steps towards me and stares absolute daggers. In the state I’m in I lose it and burst out laughing, the entire cordon (oppo) is laughing, the boys at the benches are laughing, even Grant chuckles as I walk away to compose myself.
Unfortunately, I don’t stay much longer (the boy’s father eventually getting me out) holing out playing the same shot, on the same pitch, caught in almost exactly the same spot – it might be time to put that shot away.

Parks gets out early and Scants hangs around for a tidy 10 before holing out too. Grant brings up a beautiful 50. Tunna and Grant power through an excellent partnership. Remember the boundaries from Saturday – the ridiculously large boundaries “because we’re fitter than the oppo” boundaries. Tunna hits a 6 early in his innings to cow corner, which I would argue is a much bigger hit than the one Ritik was hit for.

We lose the ball under the toilets…

The oppo brings on their 7th bowler who was interesting to say the least. He bowls a pea roller on his second delivery, pulls something and prompts the opening bowler to come back on. I’m scoring, I’m still shaking from the effects of last night and batting and everything and “what the fu*k do you do when a bowler is pulled from the attack?”.

As the Plough approach the target, Britto is working out how many runs Grant needs for a 100, Britto says realistically Grant needs to score all the remaining runs to get there, even being critical of Tunna for selfishly hitting boundaries and then getting 1s.

Tunna holes out too on 35 and Josh Kerr joins Grant on his quest to single handed get Plough across the line. But it’s not on the cards today, literally not doable and Grant holes out on 84 (with the score on 184). It’s been a phenomenal innings, fluid and chanceless with supreme cover drives.

Super Skipper Liam Gray joins Josh and looks to farm the strike to help Josh. Josh wears a few, but the boys (joined by the winning Plough team from the Nursery) are getting nervous. It the 34th over, we still need 10 to win.

Josh rather selflessly runs himself out in an effort to get Liam on strike for the last over. Have I mentioned how fu*king brilliant this club is?
The last over starts with the Plough on 186, needing 7 to tie, 8 to win. The oppo skipper has had a mare and used up all his bowlers (in his mind) and brings his fairly tidy (until that point) leg spinner back on.

Dot ball.

1 run.

1 run.

2 runs. Thanks Bisi

1 run. Grayzer is back on strike, we need 4 to win.

Bowler runs in, all arms and awkwardness, our skippers waiting for it. He’s put it short, here we go! Nope, the ball rolls along the floor and is gleefully called a no ball.

Last ball, he bowls short-ish, Liam leans in and slaps it to the mid-wicket boundary where they’d bought the man in to prevent the singles.

This is too tense for a friendly. But we’ve won! What a way to sign off for the year. Grayzer, as he’s done for years, pinching victory from the jaws of defeat. What a match. I am absolutely spent, physically, emotionally, mentally exhausted.

The oppo skipper comes over as I’m finalising the book “hey that isn’t right” “what isn’t?” “This guy bowled all of his overs; he came back on and bowled” “yeah you bought him back on for 2 overs” “well that’s pretty bad captaincy from me…” as he walks off shaking his head.

He bowled his first change bowler for only 3 overs and gave the leggy the last over thinking he had no front-line bowlers left to bowl.

Celebrations are muted; there is definitely an end of season exhaustion weighing on the DSG. This shower is quiet, after yesterday all showers are quiet. Liam consumes most of his captain’s jug as most of us opt for Coca Cola and other softer options.

Theres no transport, so Liam and I share an uber home, discussing really important questions about the club that probably sounds like nonsense to our driver.

I get out at mine so full of love and appreciation, Liam has talked through a number of things and has really sung praises about my catch and a number of lovely personal comments.

An emotional wreck, exhausted, but on cloud 9, I think about what a wonderful weekend this has been to sign off my 2025 season.

Can’t wait to do it all again next year.

Thanks Plough! Winter well and Plough on!

Match report from Umar Iqbal

THANKS UMARRRRRRR (added by LN, not UI; that would be strange)