It’s the middle of the Christmas gooch and nobody knows what day it is, apart from it’s the day after the day after Boxing Day. Nobody even cares. That is nobody except for the 12 (yes 12) warrior like Plough who woke up knowing this was Sunday, Plough’s favourite day of the week. 12 Plough who woke up with fire in their bellies, who woke up mostly worse for wear after celebrating Englands first test match win in Australia for 5468 days, and who woke up hoping to replicate that win against South Yarra CC.

As we arrived at the gorgeous South Melbourne battlefield, we were greeted by old friend (turned foe for the day), Chris Silvapulle. Temperatures were high, and the weather was 30 degrees. This was the start of the Ploughmans CC vs South Yarra CC Ashes.

Iskandar Eaton was the captain, who for days prior was plotting how he would deal with the challenge facing us, and decided that batting first and putting on a score to defend would be our best bet for victory. After careful deliberation with almost everyone else in the team, he was persuaded that getting the boring and easy part out of the way would be best so that we could enjoy the best of the afternoon on the sidelines, so we actually bowled first instead.

Packed with as much fire power of a seam attack as a potato gun, it wasn’t a case of who should open the bowling, but more a case of who CAN open the bowling. That is no disservice to Liam Gray of course, who was always nailed on to take the new cherry despite a dodgy knee. Kesh joined him at the other end and both kept it tight, applying early pressure to our Aussie counterparts before Kesh made a breakthrough in the 4th over, followed by Liam in 5th and 7th. Kesh rounded out the opening few overs with another to leave the Aussies 34-4 (thank god you’re reading a cricket score the right way round for the first time this winter!).

One after another, each bowler stood up to be counted, banishing fears that we might not be a ‘bowling’ side, and quickly establishing belief we were in fact a very good cricketing one in general. Wickets continued to fall with Angus Osbourne proving handy with 2, and Southbank’s finest, Anthony Dalton bowling well but unlucky not to get in on the fun. But it was one of our few out and out bowlers who was the difference maker in our bowling innings, Elena Narozanski. Before we get in to the details of her wizardry, I must let you in on the dirty trick up South Yarra’s sleeve…

The night before the game, one of their players (a 78 year old) who was selected as part of a balanced XI to face us was unfortunately ‘up all night chasing their cat’. We’ve all been there. Perhaps he woke up and looked in the mirror only to see he was the cat all along. South Yarra duly replaced said cricketer with a like for like switch, a player paid to be there purely to play cricket for their ‘a grade’ side(what does that even mean). Oh, and he was a pomme by the way.

Back to the match.

After a few pretty depressing overs where said cricketer pummelled his way to retirement, we were delighted to see the back of him. Amongst it all though, Elena continued to stick it on a penny and didn’t allow the Aussies to score heavily off her bowling, whilst also plucking away at their middle/lower order. Her efforts saw final figures of 3-28. Well bowled. That left South Yarra 178-9 and we were licking our lips, both at the subway Silva had kindly ordered for tea, and the score. After a very tidy spell from Tom Glynn-Jones ended without a wicket, we were disappointed to not break out in to song - instead learning that on that day it was in fact unusual to be bowled by him. On came Joan Rivers and Ollie Tennant to take the last two wickets and lead us towards a meatball sub and a top up of factor 50. It was indeed Tennant who took the 10th wicket. An absolute peach, or whatever it was, somehow found its way in to the hands of our trusty skipper. Afterwards Iskandar admitted there were a few thoughts going through is head as the ball looped towards him, take the catch and land Ollie a deserved wicket down under, or drop it to prevent the gun pomme coming back in for the final few overs. Because we are English, and an incredibly good sportsman, he did the former. He also probably couldn’t think quick enough to actually make the decision in real time.

In came the previously retired batter, who of course smashed another quick 29 to his total and took South Yarra to 239-10 after their allotted 35 overs. A decent score and a very important 29 runs. During the bowling innings a special shoutout must be made to our wicket keeper Brad Kingston, a 16 year old from Dulwich who did his best Alex Carey impression standing up to the stumps to everyone and keeping the batters firmly in check. The only difference is that he is actually a genuinely decent bloke as well. A pre planned halfway keeper swap saw Angus take the gloves to equal great effect for the second half of the innings.

After a delightful break for tea, and full of the athletes diet of subway and Powerade, our team of fine Plough were all set for what looked like a tricky but gettable chase, it was an Astro wicket after all. Iskandar and Angus trudged out already sweating, although it was hard to tell if it was the heat, the hangover, or the subway which had been sat out for 3 hours. They started calmly and confidently as they so often do, noodling and nudging their way to 63-0 after just 10 overs. Angus eventually fell for a well made 34, and Iskandar was joined by Angus’s brother Joe. Joe looked solid at the crease and played some great shots, but struggled to find the gaps and was eventually bowled. Before I go further, it was during these opening overs where Camille, Ollie Tennant’s girlfriend, said she’d really started to enjoy cricket, yet felt compelled to let me know watching Iskandar bat was the first time she felt bored all holiday.

A comment Iskandar was annoyingly proud of. With that in mind Lane walked out to bat, having not played many games over the last few years, and having scored almost even fewer runs than that. Having seen Iskandar chew up a few balls he decided to ‘go for it’, as if he has the defensive game to do anything but. After being almost bowled on his first ball and dropped on his 3rd, he made South Yarra pay with a quick 50 retired, returning somewhat in shock to the sidelines for a couple of Great Northerns (the best of the sub par 3.5% beer they make in Australia) and a quiet brag to Iskandar who had been caught off a pie a few overs before. - For a quality and stable 39 it must be said.

After the top order had departed the score was 144-3 from 23 overs. 240 seemed a long way away. After a steady innings and help from Joan Rivers who hit some useful boundaries, Brad exploded in to life hitting three 6’s in his final over before being caught on the boundary. This left us just shy of 200 with 3 overs left, 40 runs needed. Enter Liam Gray. After bowling 6 overs on a bad knee and a couple of Great Northerns deep, it was left to Ploughman’s best answer to Ben Stokes (but much more handsome) to apply some final pressure and see us home. First ball? 6. With a few more singles and 2’s, we needed 21 to win. Remember that extra 29 the A grader got? We dared to dream, we dared to imagine what it would feel like to win in Australia for the first time since 18 hours ago.

Alas, those final 21 runs were 21 too many and we ended on 219-9 from our 35 overs. A South Yarra victory by 20 runs in a Melbourne epic which ran closer than it had seemed for most of the day.

Don’t let this fool you in to thinking this was some huge win for Australia. The game may have ended in a South Yarra victory, but with 79 runs from a ‘Pomme’, and all of their Australian players bowled out, this was very much a day won by England. A moral victory plain and simple.

Results and jokes aside, this was a fixture that will live long in the memory of all those involved, and was played in the true spirit of cricket. Both teams enjoyed a barbecue together long in to the evening and we made new friendships with a team over 10,000 miles away. A huge mention must go to Chris Silvapulle, who with his connections to both clubs organised an incredible day and it should not be lost the work he put in to make it all happen.

We look forward to a home game vs South Yarra in 2027 where hopefully we can get our hands on the trophy for the first time. In the meantime we can enjoy debating on subgroups on things we know nothing about, coming together for nets in a few weeks, and a summer full of wickets, runs, ducks, and fun. Lots of love to you all. Plough On. ??

Match report from Tom Lane